CNY week

Pretty boring week. No one was here so I didn’t go out much. I am really glad the holidays are over though. Been doing a lot of thinking lately and I need to get my mind off certain things. Can not wait for class to start again. I miss those 30 minutes drive from home to college.

I am no longer a P license holder now. 2 years it has been and I never drove a car during that whole period. Hopefully when I do have a car, I will still remember how to drive.

A lot of things has been in my mind lately on top of the weird dreams I have been having. I wish I could talk to someone all about it but I can not allow myself to get ahead of things. Sometimes I feel I am thinking and worry too much, I probably do. When I was in high school, I had a chest pain. Me and my dad went to the doctor and the doctor said what causing it is stress. A high school student should not have stress he said, too young. I do not get anymore chest pain now but I have not been able to sleep well these past few days. I need to get out and enjoy life, not stressing over stuff that I can not do anything about.

Alone for too long

Third day. I cant help but to count the days that she left and the days till we meet again. There are times when I regret my actions for not telling her sooner so that we could have spend more time together before she goes back.

Being alone now is much tougher than I expected. She went back to the states couple of time before but now, I cannot go to sleep at night without hearing her say good night and I look forward to wish her good morning on the next day.

To have nobody in my life is not something new to me. After my last real relationship, I close my heart to anyone. There are girls that I might have a small crush on but it remains as a crush. There were no one that I would take the risk of opening my heart to other than her. Almost 10 years has it been since I have felt this way about someone. During those times, I spend my hours playing video games and hang out with bro-buddies. I did not take care of myself during that period at all. I have become so accustom to being a single guy, it is a little tough adjusting to this new life but its one I am willing to learn and change.

I found a song that sums up what I wish I can tell her to assure that I am in this for the long run. Just that every time I talked to her, I could not conjure these words that express them.

Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

End of the day..

I spent the day waiting for her text for when she landed in Russia. After that I pretty much slept the whole day because I was so bored. She will be landing in Houston in about 3 hours and I’m looking forward for her text then.

Today I asked myself a lot, how do I make this work. Saying I will and doing it are not the same. After I woke up, I spend a couple of hours reading on reddit on the long distance relationship(LDR) matter. What surprised me was how much these people put in the effort into their LDR. They talked about online messaging, online activities, sending gifts to each other. What have I done? I know it hasn’t even been a day after she left yet but I ought to start somewhere. I’m pretty sure just blogging my feelings is not enough.

A lot of time and effort is needed to maintain a LDR. I realize that now. I will spend more time reading reddit to understand the whole idea of LDR and apply it unto my own.

Long time no see

2 reason why I am starting to blog again. One I bought a new phone. I will be able to take decent pictures again but it will not be as good as the pictures from Ivan’s DSLR. Second I would like to write down my emotions or feelings. I have done this before prior to the huge amount of photos I uploaded here. Currently I am about to start a new yet similar experience I once knew about 10 years ago. Being able to express what I am going through on something will hopefully help me go by my day. We’ll see. I will include bits of history just so anyone who is reading this could understand the situation.

Today is the first day I am without her.  She is still on the plane back to the states as of the time of this writing. We texted to each other while we still can just before she left and I hope it was enough to keep her company during the transit.

Took me a couple of years to understand what my heart has been trying to tell me and finally accepting it to find the courage to tell her how I really feel about her all these time. Although I ask myself a question, am I too selfish? She is going to be there for another 1 and a half year at least before she comes back. She told me before she wants that someone to be there with her, physically, at the time she needs one. But the thought of seeing her leaving once again without telling her.. I could not bear it. I had to tell her, I had to let her know, these feelings, these emotions.

These past 2 weeks have amazing for me. We didn’t really spend much time alone together because she was busy with her other friends and she even got sick at one point. But for each moment we did, I cherish every seconds of it. I haven’t been this happy ever since.. yea. Lets not get to that for now. We had a moment for each other just before she left and it was something else. I wish I could just sit there, holding her hands and stare into her eyes but I think it would make her uncomfortable. I pretty much smiled and giggled the whole day and told her it was because of her friends. What she didn’t know was that I was so content just to be there with her on the last day before she flies back.

Now I have to accept the fact that I will not see her again anytime soon. The day before she left, and I still could not believe I actually did, my emotions got ahead of me. She was on my mind and I guess I could not hold it inside anymore.  I need to be strong, I have to, for both of us. I promise her I will do everything that I can to make this work. I will change how I have been living my life for the better. One of my dreams now is to save up some money and fly to the states to see her there and I know that is a bit far fetch but it’s a good dream to have.

I will end it here today. I hope I did express some of what I feel today. And yes, I know my English is still terrible.